A Play in One Act
by Lisa Lees
For 3 - 7 performers
JUDGE
BAILIFF (optional)
D.A.
NICK
SHERIFF (optional)
GUARDS (optional)
Opens in courtroom. This is a hearing, so there is
no jury. There may be a COURT REPORTER who takes
notes and scowls, a SHERIFF, and a GUARD or two.
NICK should be in jail clothes but with traditional
spectacles, beard and belly. The JUDGE should look
judicial and probably close to retirement. The
D.A. (District Attorney) is slick, efficient and
willing to send her/his own mother to jail for
jaywalking. The BAILIFF may be combined with the
D.A. for a minimum cast of three.
JUDGE: Well, Nick, I've been expecting you to hit this town. I only wish it hadn't been while I was on the bench! (Bangs gavel. The JUDGE likes to bang her/his gavel.) Okay, let's get this hearing started. Bailiff! What are the charges?
BAILIFF: (Picking up what is clearly a long list.) Ahem! Making hit lists, running a gang, wearing gang clothing, smoking in public buildings, breaking and entry, assault. (Throws down list.) There's more, your Honor, but I think that's enough to begin with.
JUDGE: Quite right. (Bangs gavel.) Thank you. Prosecutor, please question the defendant.
D.A.: (Steps close to witness chair, perhaps with thumbs in suspenders and a swagger.) You run a gang, right Nick?
NICK: Well, I wouldn't call my elves a gang, but I guess I am the person who calls the shots.
D.A.: Not a gang? You all dress alike, hang out in your clubhouse, have secret signs, and break into people's homes while they're sleeping! If that's not a gang, then I'm not the District Attorney!
NICK: But we're delivering gifts! People want us to drop down their chimney. They leave milk and cookies for me.
D.A.: Yeh, I can see you need to go on a diet. Delivering gifts, you say. Where do these "gifts" come from? Who's behind your organization? Or does this explain some of the shoplifting and hijacking that goes on around here during the rest of the year?
NICK: (Spluttering.) We make everything in our workshop at the North Pole!
D.A.: The North Pole? Maybe, but where do you get the tools and materials? The North Pole is a little sparse on natural resources. And come to think of it, the North Pole is international territory. What are you doing there? Are you an American?
NICK: (Getting angry.) A thief? An American? This is absolutely preposterous! I and my flying reindeer are a cherished multicultural institution!
D.A.: Flying reindeer, eh? You got a permit to keep deer as pets? Are they on the endangered species list? And who gives you clearance to fly in that part of the world?
NICK: You, you! (Throws hands up in air.) You're what's wrong with this world! Destroying the myths and traditions! (Pounds on railing in aggravation using both fists.)
D.A.: Got a temper, huh? Is that why your gang attacked that French guy, Babar, when he tried to have a word with you?
NICK: Attacked? My elves threw snowballs at that elephant and his noisy little dog. We've got a right to privacy!
JUDGE: (Bangs gavel.) I've heard enough! I've heard more than enough! (Bang.) Bailiff! Guards! Take him away and lock him up! Sheriff, find the rest of his gang and lock them up, too! We'll put an end to this nonsense!
CURTAIN
(1999)