On May 20, 1997, I facilitated a workshop on the topic of transgender sexuality at the University of Chicago. The workshop was part of their Bisexual, Gay, and Lesbian Awareness Days (B-GLAD) and was sponsored by the campus group Queers & Associates. This column is taken from my notes for that workshop.
Transgender people talk about an incongruity between their sexual self-image and their public body. Though clearly a transgender thing, this incongruity affects many other people.
Sexuality is everywhere in our cultural, though it is stereotyped as masculine men with male genitals having sex with feminine women who have female genitals. Gender is portrayed as central to attraction, and genitals as central to sex.
Queers know sexuality isn't as simple as "manly man does it to womanly woman." The culture acknowledges this, in a way, because phrases such as 'masculine man' are not redundant; rather they are prescriptive of a wished-for cultural norm.
What does it mean to be 'queer?' Is it same-sex attraction? What does that mean? I mentioned at least three multi-valued components to sexuality: gender, social role, and genitals. Those fit together in more ways than just straight, lesbian, and gay.
Which brings us to the question, what is sexuality? Why ask? Because concepts that 'everyone takes for granted,' but no one seems to understand and no one wants to talk about, often hold us prisoner.
So what is sex, and sexuality? Something you do with another person's genitals? Is that a useful focus for a non-reproductive relationship? Where do sensuality and pleasure fit in?
We grow up, if lucky, having sensual relationships with our family, our friends, and the world. During puberty our relationships often change. Why is adult sensuality, 'sex,' so often non-consensual, violent, abusive, and done without communication?
Sensual and sexual pleasure is a taboo topic. Children are not supposed to have such feelings. Adults are not supposed to have such feelings in the same room with children. Parents, particularly mothers in our culture, know that young children are in fact intensely sensual.
But we never talk about it. We never talk with our children about being sensual, and about becoming sexual adults. We leave our children to learn by fumbling in the dark, reading books, watching movies, and being raped, however gently.
Perhaps sensuality is scary because it shifts the focus of sex from the genitals? Might this turn too many relationships into sexual relationships? Or make it more difficult to define the boundaries of a relationship?
Here are some questions to ask the person sitting next to you on the bus the next time you're stuck in traffic:
"What does it mean to have sex with another person; what has to happen?"
"Does your definition of having sex change depending on the self-identity of your partner?"
"What parts of your body do you consider to be sexual? What makes a touch sexual or sensual?"
"How do you communicate that you like what your partner is doing? Do you expect your partner to communicate in the same manner?"
"If you really like doing something, and your partner asks you not to, what happens? How do you feel? Why?"
"If your partner asks you to do something that turns you off, what happens?"
If your seat-mate is so intrigued she follows you to the party, get a larger group together and ponder these:
"You have a great time with someone, go somewhere alone, and clearly sex is on both your minds. But as things get more physical, your partner gets more uncomfortable. What do you do? Stop? Talk?"
"In spite of some discomfort on your partner's part, you proceed to the undressing stage . . . and what you find is not what you expect. How do you react? Should your partner have said something sooner? How?"
"No problems, the sex was great! But during that afterglow, your partner looks you in the eye and says, 'Did you know I'm transsexual?' What's your response? Why should you feel any different?"
"How much of your reaction in these situations involves something along the lines of, 'But what will everyone else think of me now?'"