A friend of mine just called to say she'd had her baby. "It's a girl", she said, "and we'll get back to you in a few years about its gender." My friend is the partner of a transgender person, so she knows better than to jump to conclusions about these things.
Lesbian mothers are often concerned about the strong gender stereotyping messages our society gives to kids. They may try to raise their children in a more gender neutral manner, and sometimes are surprised at the extent to which "girls will be girls" and "boys will be boys." I've noticed this with my own two children (one each of the two common sexes).
My partner and I have put as little gender pressure on our kids as possible; we home school, and we didn't have a television in the house for the first six years of parenthood. Still, our boy prefers to build, and destroy, things with as much loud noise as possible; our girl is more into reading, art, dress-up, and dolls. But there is considerable crossover. Our boy is sensitive, caring, and hasn't learned yet that he would be called a sissy in school. Our girl is self-assured, a staunch feminist, and cannot be told she has limits simply because she is a girl.
For all that, our girl is dead certain she is a girl, and our boy is dead certain he is a boy. They each like their bodies. We don't yet know about (and are not concerned one way or another about) their sexualities, but there is no indication they have any unusual issues in that area. So how is it that some 'boys' are certain they are girls, some 'girls' are certain they are boys, and some feel they are neither one?
I don't know, even though I was such a child. None of my transgender friends knows, either. We simply know that it is so. Many of us knew something didn't line up right, said as much as soon as we could talk, and no amount of rational argument or physical torture could change our minds.
Are we sick? Well, yes, in a society that defines being different as being sick. Are bisexual and lesbian women sick? Are you different? Have you ever been called sick? Did you like that? Me neither.
Is a transsexual person who was assigned an 'M' on their birth certificate actually male or female? I think the only sensible answer to that question is, "No." Male and female are social constructs. I'm neither one!
Okay, so cut the double-talk; which restroom do I use? I use the women's restroom, folks, because I'd get killed if I used the other one, and that's no figure of speech. No one has freaked out yet; it must not seem an unreasonable choice to them.
Does this make me a woman? The fact that people who do not know the details of my past accept me as a woman? Who gets to decide? Who controls my identity?
In situations that enforce the two-valued gender system, I claim to be female. I do not expect to be included in all 'womyn space' (nor, truth be told, do I wish to be). But if the choice is between womyn space and myn space, I sure as heck do not belong in the latter.
What I truly want is to be free of such simple choices. There are six billion people on this planet. Are we so boring and uniform that it makes sense to divide six billion individuals into only two major groups? Well if so, count me out!
When next you look upon a newborn baby and ask, "Is it a girl or a boy?," please remember that one very important voice has yet to be heard in response. The name and the identity which that new person one day claims may surprise us all . . . if we don't pay attention.
Caution: Don't consider me to be typical of, well, of anything. I'm putting major effort into finding a path through this gender confusion and into lesbigatr cooperation and inclusiveness. I spend many hours each week discussing these issues with open-minded people around the Internet. (Drop me an e-line and I'll tell you where my action is!)