May 2001 Head-Line

In response to the "Just Curious" column in the April Head-Line (newsletter of Mid-Michigan Mensa):

1. It wasn't clear what "standing up to a bully" means. Did Girl A participate in the name calling? Consider:

   "Hey, Girl A, give me your lunch money."
   "I won't, you big fat toad!"
   "Okay, I'm gonna pound you to a pulp!"
   "Yeh? You and what army?"
   (Girl B shoves Girl A; Girl A walks off to Counselor.)

   "Hey, Girl A, give me your lunch money."
   "No, that's not right."
   "Give, or I'll pound you!"
   "No."
   (Girl shoves Girl A; Girl A walks off to Counselor.)

   If these were my kids, I'd not be happy about the name calling in the first scenario, but I understand they get on each other's nerves, and I do tell them that when a situation looks like it's headed for blows to leave and get help. So I'd give them hugs and say, "You did the right thing, A, by getting out of the situation; now both of you chill out and find something constructive to do."

   In the second scenario, B gets a talking to for looking to cause a fight, but this was resolved before it came to blows, so I'm not very upset. I will try to figure out what's bothering B to cause such behavior.

   You'll note that my response is a parental response, not a law enforcement response; and also a community response, in seeing a bully as someone the community needs to help and learn to get along with.

2. Do Zero Tolerance policies work? I don't recall that fighting or having weapons was tolerated when I was in school several decades ago; the change is the summary punishment now enacted, which I believe is supposed to sacrifice the individual for the safety of the school. Why has this attitude become institutionalized? What has changed in families, communities, and the common culture that has brought us to enact such policies?

   I've heard people say that schools are becoming like prisons, with guards, cameras, searches, and tough laws and policies. I'd say they are becoming like fortresses, trying to survive in what has become hostile territory. Too often schools are now expected to also take on the function of parents and of the homes where children now spend too little time, but the schools have not changed to be able to handle these additional expectations.

3. Fight or flight may be a normal response, but one can use one's intelligence to alter that response. If children once learned this more successfully than they do now, what has changed? Is this something they once learned outside of school? If children are expected to now learn such things in school, doesn't that imply we need to change schools so they are able to teach such things?
4. Are school shootings a result of repressing kids' natural responses, i.e., if kids cannot blow off steam occasionally they eventually blow up? I don't think so. I think the problem is the broader culture of violence, of glorifying extreme responses to situations, of making violence normal and expected, and of limiting the time children spend with people who can respond to their emotions and needs with love, compassion, and understanding.

In the same issue, Mary Lee Kemper asks if there are problems that need to be discussed or solved in our communities. How we are raising our children in the 21st Century surely ranks as one of the most important!

(I am one parent of two home-schooled children.)

Lisa Lees
lisa at lisalees.com
www.lisalees.com

Just Curious
Joanne Sullivan

The purpose of this column is to generate response or, at least, initiate thoughtful consideration of current issues. [Info on how to respond not included.]

Girl A stands up to a bully. There is name calling, then Girl B (the bully) begins shoving. Girl A walks away and goes directly to her counselor's office. She expresses how upset she is. She tells the counselor that she walked away because she really felt like "laying into" Girl B and knew she would hurt her. Both girls were suspended from school for three days according to the school's Zero Tolerance Policy against fighting. This incident actually occurred in a local school the same day as the Santee shooting. Just Curious:

1. Should Girl A have been suspended? Should Girl B have been suspended?
2. Do Zero Tolerance policies work? Do they exacerbate situations that should be resolved with counseling?
3. Isn't "fight or flight" a normal physiological response to a perceived threat?
4. How many teenagers are "exploding" with guns because their natural responses are repressed?